Filed under: Uncategorized
I want to be a different person so why can’t I be why can’t I be why do i have to be
–me
If I could wake up and be someone completely different in the morning, then I would, I would God-fucking-dammit I would, but I can’t, I can’t just wake up one morning
OK I’M A NEW PERSON, LET’S BE HAPPY AND SKINNY NOW
because that doesn’t fucking work; I’m tied to my (tired, worn, ugly, and fat) body. Personal identity doesn’t come completely from the inside, as much as I could wish it did. It comes from so many things out of my control — from me, from my body, from what I perceive others’ opinions of me to be, from the way I was raised, from what I have learned, from how I have grown up–
But most of all from my fucking brain, it’s trapped me in this miserable hell, I thought I could get out of it but it’s always there, it’s always there, it’s ALWAYS FUCKING THERE
I used to think I could get away from this, that it was just a decision
“Stop burning yourself on the stake, you’re pathetic, live your life dammit”
and it worked, i swear it worked, why isn’t it working now, why am i fat and bloated and bloating, why am i
Everything is dead she said Why did the sun go Where has it gone
Filed under: Uncategorized
why should i have to prove myself to others? personal identity comes from the inside. i can be whoever i want to be
sometimes a lot of times i feel like others are judging me and i constantly try to live up to their expectations as well as my own (which are often set too high) i need to hear compliments to keep my self-esteem but i dont accept them well because i feel like i need to keep living up to them
its hard to be myself when im trying to be for someone/everyone else
Filed under: Exercise
Like a G6 – Far East Movement
Cannibal – Ke$ha
Shake It Up! (Remix Ver.) – Super Junior
RED – The GazettE
내 여자친구를 부탁해 (Say No) – B2ST
Gee (Japanese Ver.) – 소녀시대
미인나 (Bonamana) – Super Junior
UP & DOWN – SHINee
Lightless – B2ST
3 sets, 15 reps tricep push-ups with chair
3 sets, 15 reps push-ups
3 sets, 15 reps side leg-lowers
3 sets, 15 reps side crunches
3 sets, 15 reps bridges
3 sets, 15 reps front leg lowers
3 sets, 15 reps triangle wall push-ups
3 sets, 15 seconds swimming
I’m going to make this work this time
Filed under: School
MONDAY
Introduction to Physiology (EEOB 232)
7:18am — 8:30am
Campbell Hall
Asian Philosophy (PHILOS 215)
10:30am — 12:18pm
Hagerty Hall
Symbolic Logic (PHILOS 250)
1:30pm — 2:48pm
Boyd Laboratory
TUESDAY
Introduction to Physiology (EEOB 232)
7:18am — 8:30am
Campbell Hall
Craft of Acting (THEATRE 280)
9:30am — 11:18am
Drake Performance Center
Symbolic Logic (PHILOS 250)
2:30pm — 3:18pm
University Hall
WEDNESDAY
Introduction to Physiology (EEOB 232)
7:18am — 8:30am
Campbell Hall
Asian Philosophy (PHILOS 215)
10:30am — 12:18pm
Hagerty Hall
Symbolic Logic (PHILOS 250)
1:30pm — 2:48pm
Boyd Laboratory
THURSDAY
Introduction to Physiology (EEOB 232)
7:18am — 8:30am
Campbell Hall
Craft of Acting (THEATRE 280)
9:30am — 11:18am
Drake Performance Center
NO CLASS FRIDAY
*JAPANESE 102.51 to be scheduled
Filed under: School
It’s getting better; today (or yesterday, rather) had its ups and downs, by which I mean it had its downs and less-downs. I don’t know what went wrong, but whatever it was, I used it as an excuse to keep binging on candy and being a generally miserable person, but I think I’m finally over that, now. Tomorrow I’m going to have some insane sugar cravings, and I will admit that I’m a little nervous for them, but if I can get through tomorrow, I think the next few days will be alright.
I’ve decided to drop my linguistics major. I think I was taking it because it’s what people expected me to take, and so I expected myself to take it, too. I realized today that really, if undergraduate majors don’t count for that much (unless I wanted to be a doctor, for example), why not just take what I really, truly think I like? So like I said, I dropped the linguistics major (and demoted it to a minor) and picked up a potential theater minor. I kept a Japanese major so I have something to do if I spend a semester in Japan, and I tacked on my philosophy minor again, as well, in addition to my human nutrition minor which I may or may not drop. I definitely want to take some of those classes, though, because I need some science-y type courses to balance out my humanities ones or I will go insane, and that’s the kind of science that I like (anatomy and interaction with anatomy).
My classes for next quarter are the following:
Introduction to Physiology 232
Asian Philosophy 215
Symbolic Logic 250
Craft of Acting 280
Japanese 102.51
People have always told me I’m good at speech things, so we’ll see how it goes. (: And I’m really glad I dropped my 502 linguistics class. I like phonetics/phonology (I can never tell them apart) more than syntax, anyway, so I’ll just take that later down the road when I can fit it into my schedule.
Filed under: Personal
-I do not really enjoy non-fiction, at all
-I am not as smart as people think I am
-I am not as stupid as people think I am
-I have no special knack for languages. I have met plenty who are just as good and better than me
-I can write poetically and use grammatical rules to my advantage, but that is the extent of my skill
-I am not always happy
-I am not always depressed and wretched
-I don’t like linguistics as much as I originally thought
-I am lazy and have no direction or real goals
-I like to drive and waste gas, but I also get bored once actually in the car
-Currently I like Harry Potter more than The Lord of the Rings
-I am not good at philosophy
-I care too much about my little brothers. Maybe even more than they care about me
-I like reading and playing video games but don’t like setting aside the time to do them
-I don’t like admitting I have problems and I don’t like asking for help
-I don’t like usually don’t like boring “indie” music
-I think about others’ opinion of me. I haven’t decided whether I care about it or not yet
-I am moody
-I pretend to be happy for others’ benefit even when I’m not happy because it’s easier to naturally be happy when people think of me as a happy person
-I am sensitive and easily irritable
-I am too nice
-I like the ideas of things but not the things themselves
-I don’t have to study for a lot of things to get a good grade
-I do have to study for some things to get a passing grade
-I like to make myself miserable and I’m scared to be happy all the time
-I am very competitive and I am a perfectionist, which works to my disadvantage most of the time because I’m mediocre at everything
These are all misconceptions about me that hopefully I have cleared up
They are subject to change
Press play, then read. (Start around 0:18.)
He groaned and placed his hands palms down in front of him in the sand, feeble, useless, and the wayward sea sloshed around his bare and boney ankles.
What, he whispered, wait, but no words came out.
She sat a few feet away, legs spread on the stones on the cliff-side, staring out towards the boy stretched in the sand without speaking.
He groaned again, another ghost from his severed stomach, just the faint, frail wavering of his ruptured vocal chords. The sand smelled rotten and rank like spoiled fish.
Her broken fingers grasped two bloody white things, nearly identical, from a thin, red little string. They dangled precariously over the sea’s swelling waters as the waves tumultuously churned, and then she let go. They fell and splashed in the water, floating for a moment almost undecidedly
sink or swim, sink or swim
before the greedy sea claimed them, maimed them, rived them to pieces with her rough and rousing waves.
He woke, and he screamed.
It was an ugly and gross sound that came from the very belly of his cracked and creaking rib cage and rattled his whole body. He heaved on the sand, pitched forward and rolled onto his spine and screamed again. He couldn’t breathe, every ounce of air was expelled in that beastly wail, and he writhed and moaned, arching his back and clawing at his eyes, his eyes, his—
empty
http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/764534
It’s going to be my masterpiece.
Filed under: School
I want to write. I want to write so badly but there are people outside my door laughing loudly and I can’t. Instead of being melancholy like is necessary, I’m merely getting pissed
everything is dead she said why did the sun go where has it gone
heavy heads and swollen necks
carpals torn and ribs are wrecked
banged against the rocks and bones
found the place where sunshine goes
